October is breast cancer awareness month. This month I am flooded with thoughts of my mother. It has been almost 9 years since her passing, but I still think of her always. This post is for her…
Sometimes you come to me while I’m asleep. In my dreams, you have never left.
You are still beautiful with skin so flawless that even a teenage girl would be envious.
There is no cancer coursing through your veins. There is only you.
When I see you, I know that something isn’t right. I know that you should not be here. Sometimes we argue as we often did. I know that we shouldn’t, but I don’t understand why. When I wake, I am angry, angry at myself for fighting. I would have never fought you had I known that in the morning you would not be there.
One dream was just a phone call. We were talking about the weather or some other mundane topic when it suddenly hits me.
“Mama, you died.”
“No Kimmie, I still here.” you replied.
Your broken English & thick Vietnamese accent are a sound that my ears have missed. They make me smile. When I tell stories of you, I mimic this accent, not out of disrespect, but because it is how I remember you.
Your picture hangs in every room in our home. You watch over your granddaughter as she sleeps. I think that you must visit her as well, because she seems to know you even though you have never met.
If we could speak again, I would tell you how sorry I was for every hurtful thing that I ever said or did. I would explain how I now realize that what I always mistook for nagging was actually just love. I understand now because I am a mother like you. I am overprotective and fearful, just as you were with me. I would ask you for your guidance, because even though I am a woman of 40, I still need my mama. I need your advice, so that I can be as good of a mother as you were to me. Most of all I would tell you how much I love you. So come for visit again soon, we have a lot to talk about. I will see you in my dreams.
October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Remember to get your mammograms & check yourself regularly. I have my annual check-up next week, don’t forget to schedule yours. Your family will thank you for it.